Dear Zac,
Why did you do it? Was it just because Olivia killed herself, or was there something more? There are so many things that I loved about you and miss. I remember the way your smile always seemed to light up your face and eyes, no matter how small. When you smiled, everyone else did, too. They couldn't help it. It was contagious. I remember the way you used to tell me jokes when I was sad, to try to make me feel better. I don't think you realize how much I miss you. You were a fighter, Zac. You never lost a battle. But the one battle you had to lose had to be this one.
Love always,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
Why I'm writing another letter to you is beyond me. Your funeral was held yesterday, and I had to give a speech. I'm assuming you heard it. Did you like it? I hope so, because I wouldn't want you to not like the speech given at your own funeral. I saw your brother there. He looked at me, and his blue eyes pierced into my own, and I swear I could feel the ice-cold resentment coming from him. Does he think that I made this happen, Zac? Does he think that I don't miss you as much as he does? Zac, I loved you…I still love you. You were the most amazing person I've ever known in my whole life, and you left me. You left me, Zac. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive you for that.
Love always,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
If there's any event with you that sticks out in my mind the most, it has to be last summer, when Taylor tried to convince us to smoke pot with him. We were lying outside on the freshly mown grass in your backyard, watching the clouds pass and giggling, acting much more childish than our sixteen years.
"Look, an aeroplane!" you giggled. I laughed with you, and sat up, brushing the grass off my back and out of my hair. You followed my example and sat up as well. You took one look at me and laughed, your smile lighting up your face as always.
"What?" I had asked innocently.
"You…You…" you had tried to say.
"What, Zac?" By this time I was giggling.
"There's a leaf in your hair!" you had managed to exclaim. Our laughter had died down, and you leaned forward, picking the green leaf out of my hair and dropping it on the shorn grass.
"Ya'll are so cute…" Taylor's voice rang in our ears. We whipped our heads around and saw Taylor walking towards us, a large plastic bag in hand. He plopped down on the grass next to us and took out two smaller plastic bags from the large one. He set himself up and rolled a joint, lighting it and taking a drag. He offered it to us. "You want?"
You knew that I had previous experiences with drugs, and looked at me for the yay or nay.
Taylor rolled his eyes. "You two are never going to grow up. Look at you! Sixteen years old and watching clouds."
"Shut up, Taylor…" I had said through clenched teeth. Meanwhile, you had grabbed the joint and were taking a long, thin drag, coughing afterwards. "What are you doing, Zac?" I asked, dumbfounded.
"What I want to do, for once in my life." you had told me, handing a satisfied Taylor the joint.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, both hurt and confused by your statement.
"You've never let me be myself, Aubrey! I've always been what YOU want me to be." you said calmly, the drugs beginning to take effect.
I got up and stormed off, ready to kill both Taylor and you. I remember that day perfectly clearly. Do you? I hope so, because it's what started this whole mess between us.
Love always,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
As I sit here, watching the clouds pass by my window, I begin to think of you, and how we used to watch the clouds and pick out shapes, which I think I mentioned in my last letter.
After the aforementioned Taylor/pot incident, I ran home, but not before stopping by our special place. Remember the forest? Whenever one of us had a problem, we'd find the other there. But you didn't come this time. I sat there for an hour, sobbing (we had never fought that badly before), and I never heard your footsteps padding across the carpet of leaves, or your deep voice soothing and reassuring me. So I eventually went home, still crying slightly, and getting odd looks from the passers-by.
That night, I sat on this windowsill, just like I am now, and a pebble was thrown at the window, and I let out a little scream. I opened the window and looked outside, ready to swear at my offender, and I saw you standing on my lawn, looking up at me apologetically. "Aubrey?" you asked in a loud whisper. "Do you forgive me?"
I laughed quietly. "Stay there, I'll be right down." I put on a T-shirt, seeing as how I was sitting there in my bra and pajama pants, and snuck downstairs and out the door. I went to where you were, and looked up at you, for you had always been much taller than I. Your brown eyes were full of an emotion that I hope was sorrow and apology, but I'm still not quite sure. "Why did you let him get to you, Zac?" I asked.
You shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it's just that I've never been as good as Taylor. I've never been as attractive, never as much of a chick-magnet, never as good of a musician, and hell, he's taken over my position on the drums, now, too! I felt like I needed to do something that would make him think that I'm better."
I shook my head. "But Zac, you've always been better. You've never been worse than Taylor. In my eyes, you've always been the one who came to the rescue. The one to befriend the outcast…The one who never let anyone else get to him." I said coldly.
"Aubrey, don't look at me like that." you pleaded. "You don't know how much it hurts."
"And you don't know how much it hurt to see you smoke that joint this afternoon!" I retorted. "Zac, that really hurt me, you have no idea." I looked at you, with hurt and loving eyes. "I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to you."
"Aubrey-" you began, but you were silenced when I leaned forward and kissed you. I really don't know what came over me that night; it might have been everything that had happened had just exploded a minefield of emotions inside me. But you responded, and wrapped your strong arms around my waist carefully, almost afraid that you would break me if you held me too close. You had never done that before. Every time you had hugged me before, it was a tight hug that resembled the bond we had shared. It was a different feeling, and I wasn't sure if I liked it or not.
When we finally pulled away from each other, the moon had been covered by dark storm clouds. It had been such a nice day earlier; I wondered why there was a storm approaching. Rain started to fall, almost as if God had turned on the water faucets in heaven. We looked up at the rain, squinting, and looked back at each other, a smile inhabiting our faces. You pulled me closer to you, this time a little more like our friendly hugs, and kissed me again. We stood there, kissing in the rain, for I don't know how long. I had lost track of time.
We curled up under my back porch, soaking wet. When we awoke, the sun was just beginning to rise, and you held me close to you as we watched the sun rise together, almost a resemblance of our new relationship. Or at least what I thought was our new relationship.
Love always,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
After that kiss, there was a definite awkwardness between us. You never came over, and we avoided each other at all costs. I eventually decided that I wasn't going to let that get to me. I couldn't, what we used to have meant so much to me.
I went over to your house one day, and Taylor answered the door. He saw that it was me, and smirked. "Came to talk to Zac, I presume?"
"Actually, yeah, I have." I replied coldly. "Do you mind?"
"I don't. But I think she will."
"She? Who's she?" I asked, shoving past Taylor and into the house.
"I wouldn't recommend doing that. It'll hurt you more than you think." Taylor called after me. I whirled around, enraged that Taylor would say such a thing about me.
"How dare you! You don't even know me." I said, fire in my voice, before turning around and seeing you sitting on the couch with your arm around a girl that wasn't me. I could feel my heart jump into my stomach, and my eyes widen, mouth gaped open in shock. "Zac-"
You took one look at me and told the girl that you would be right back, you needed to talk to me. You dragged me outside and sat me down on the porch swing. "Listen, Aubrey-"
"No. You listen to me, Zachary Walker Hanson. I thought we had something. I thought we were together, at least somewhat. But then you go off and find some other girl? No. You're not going to do that to me." I fumed.
"But I am." you replied. "Listen, Aubrey, that thing that happened that night-"
"Don't call it "that thing"! It wasn't just a thing to me! It meant something to me, you understand? It meant something…" I felt the tears well up in my eyes and blinked them back, not wanting to show my vulnerability to you.
"Okay. What happened that night was a spur-of-the-moment, intense feelings thing."
"So you don't feel those intense feelings anymore?" I asked, my lip quivering.
You shook your head solemnly. "No. Not for you. I feel them for Olivia."
"Olivia? That girl in there?" I managed to stutter. You nodded in reply. "Can…Can we still keep our friendship? Zac, I love what we had. We had the best friendship I could imagine having." I said, much more calmly than before.
You nodded again, unable to speak. "Of course we can still be friends, Aubrey. You still mean the world to me, just not in a romantic way."
I nodded, my heart breaking in two, and got up. "Okay. Well…Call me sometime."
You nodded back, smiling. "Of course. Talk to you later, Aubrey."
"You too. Bye." You walked back into the house, taking one last look at me. When the door shut, I broke down in tears on the bench. I heard the door open again, but I didn't care. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looked up to see Taylor. "What do you want?" I spat.
He looked hurt. "I told you it would hurt."
"Oh God. The last thing I need right now is an I-told-you-so, especially from you." I said, putting my head back into my arms. Taylor put his arm around me and kissed my cheek.
"Just know that it'll be okay, Aubrey. You'll live through this."
I remember wishing that I hadn't allowed myself to cry. I remember the look on your face, so serious. I remember the way Taylor had comforted me and how it felt. And I'm actually glad I remember that now.
Love,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
My mother tells me I should leave the house, go do something that would take my mind off of you. But all I can do is sit at my windowsill and write these letters to you. It's a cloudy day, so cloudy that I can't even see the sun shining down on the world. Dark clouds present the possibility of rain. Is the weather imitating my emotions? I feel like I could cry an ocean, Zac. You of all people should know that I don't like to cry. I hate to cry; it makes me feel weak. It makes me look weak. I think you, Taylor, and Isaac might be the only people who have ever seen me cry. Oh, and the cat. But I haven't told you yet, the cat died. I almost held a funeral for her, but didn't want to recreate something that would remind me so much of you. You helped me pick out Velvet. I can distinctly remember you and I running into the kitchen, five years old, sopping wet from the rain. My mother laughed and told us to wait there, that she would get towels to let us dry off. We obeyed, and when my mother returned, we begged her to allow me to get a cat. It took a lot of persistence on our part, but she gave in and took us to the animal shelter the next day.
"I like that one!" I insisted, pointing at an orange kitten.
"No, sweetie, we can't get a kitten. Excuse me, do you have any full grown cats?" my mother had asked the woman working at the shelter.
"Yes, we do. I'm so glad you want to adopt a full grown cat, most people like the kittens," she had said, chuckling at me. "These your kids?"
"Oh, not both of them. This is my daughter, Aubrey, and her best friend, Zac."
"Why hello there." the woman had cooed over us. We had both hated that, when people cooed over us. We had thought it was hilarious that she thought we were brother and sister. "They're going to grow up and be such wonderful kids," the woman said to my mother.
"They're going to be the best couple on the block, too." my mother had whispered, but loud enough for us to hear.
"Ew! No way!" I had pouted, and you had done the same. The woman and my mother had just laughed, and led us into a room with a lot of cats crawling around on scratching posts. We oohed and aahed, and I played with a Siamese cat.
"Aubrey! Come 'ere!" you had called to me. I followed your voice, and found you kneeling in front of a cage, examining a black cat. "What about this one?"
"Ooh, she's pretty…" I had cooed, reaching out to pet the cat. She hissed at me, and I backed away slowly, but she had let you pet her. You whispered to her, and I tried to pet her again, and she allowed me to. You had always had the best way with animals; they always loved you.
We had taken the cat back to my house and dubbed her Velvet, since her fur was so soft. She was 8 years old at the time, and took a lot of adjusting to us, but thanks to you coming over daily to help me, she soon grew to love us and the two houses she was shuffled between - mine and yours.
She had gotten old, and was living in so much pain we had to put her to sleep. I cried the whole day, because Velvet was the only living memory I had of you. Every time I looked at Velvet, I could remember you and I sitting in my room, playing with her. I remembered all the times she would curl up between us on the couch when we were watching a movie. I remembered how sad Velvet seemed to be when you and I weren't getting along so well after the kiss. When she died, a part of me died, too. Half my heart is gone, due to your untimely death and Velvet's death.
Love,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
You-Know-Who stopped by my house today. My mother was out grocery shopping, so I was forced to open the door. If I had known it was him, I wouldn't have even bothered opening the door. Taylor and I have never been as close as you and I had been. He was always the one who, I guess, competed with you for my affections. I'm still not entirely sure what ever happened between Taylor and I, but it wasn't anything close to things that happened between you and myself.
Anyhow, he came by, basically, to console me, which I don't understand, after the cold look he gave me at your funeral. After five minutes of "it wasn't your fault"s and "you'll be okay"s, I threw him out, sick of putting up with his shit. I just wish you were here to console me instead of him…Then again, I wouldn't need consolation if you were here, would I?
God, Zac, I miss you so much. Why did you have to do it? It's raining again, and I'm starting to cry. Once again.
Love,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
I don't know what's up with Taylor. He's been coming over daily, and my mother has lied for me so many times when he calls. He is so confusing. He's even more confusing than you, which is damn near impossible, Zac. My mother still says that I should get out and actually spend my time doing something. Nikala called me this evening and offered to take me out to the club, even though I'm 17. She claimed that she knew the bouncer and could get me in, regardless of whether I had an ID or not. I politely refused, of course, and instead of being out clubbing at the moment, I'm sitting here, watching old home videos of us from the time we were born to the baths we used to take together when we were three years old. You teaching me to play the drums, your first appearance at Mayfest, the time we did the duet at that high school…They're all on the tapes. Our incessant flirting at the hormonal age of 13, Taylor and Isaac laughing as we played tag outside with the water hose…I'm missing you now more than ever, Zac. Christmas is approaching, naturally, seeing as how yesterday was Thanksgiving, and it reminds me of you. The Christmas carols we sang together when Taylor played the piano, decorating the tree together, playing with Velvet as we wrapped presents, our own gift exchanges…None of it will happen this year. This is the first year I haven't been with you for Christmas. I'm not sure if I'm just going to go over to your house anyway, for memory's sake, or if I'm going to stay here at home with my mother.
Christmas, 2000. We were both 15, Taylor was 17, and Isaac had turned 20 a month before the holiday. We gathered at my house, you sitting at my old drum kit, Taylor sitting at the grand piano, and Isaac and I were on the couch, each holding an acoustic guitar. Isaac and I tuned, to make sure we didn't sound off-key, and we sang your "Silent Night Medley" together. I took the highest parts that none of you could sing anymore, and you dropped "Silent Night" to allow me to sing it on my own. My mother had recorded our little jam session, and gave me the tape earlier today. I've been listening to it ever since. I'm getting the urge to go downstairs and sit at that dusty piano, to play for my invisible audience. You. I know you'll hear me.
Love,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
This is so unreal. I can't believe this has happened to me. I'm still writing to you, after your death…It's insane. I'm insane. I must be, there's no other explanation for this. As usual, I haven't been able to focus on school…I mean, I never really did in the first place, but now that you're gone…You're all I think about, Zac. You're all that I see, you're all that I hear. Every time a teacher is lecturing, I hear your voice. I don't walk down the hallways with that same confidence I used to have. People are beginning to talk about me, I hear them whispering while I'm walking by. If you were here, you would tell me not to worry about it, that I'm me, and nothing can stop that, not even some assholes talking about me in school. But at the rate I'm going, I'm going to be in the loony bin soon.
Love,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
Taylor asked me out. He seriously asked me out. I couldn't believe it. I think I was being controlled by some alternate person, because I said yes. We went out for dinner, and I just got back. I'm still lying here in my dress…The one you bought for me when we went to the ballet…Remember that dress? It's the short red and black one. But anyhow, he was a complete gentleman, totally unlike the Taylor I thought I knew. We talked a lot about your death…Why we thought you killed yourself, why Olivia killed herself…We spent a lot of time reminiscing. I told him how in love with you I was…And I had never confessed that to anyone before. Except you. God, I was so in love with you. And then…You left me. You had to leave me, to be with Olivia. Most great love stories, however, are when the lovers can't be together…Maybe that's the way it was with us. Maybe it was the classic tale of unrequited love. I've suffered through that many a time.
Love,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
I haven't written in about a week. I'm sorry…Although I don't know why I'm apologizing. Taylor and I are together now. He's stopped doing drugs; he stopped a long time ago, but I never knew. Isaac was surprised, to say the least…He never expected me to choose Taylor as a lover. When he said that, he said, "I always expected you and Zac to be together." He was silent afterwards. I think he didn't want to bring up the memory of you. I always expected us to be together as well…But we never will be. You and Olivia will be looking down on me…Watching over me.
Love,
Aubrey
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Dear Zac,
This will be the last letter I write to you. This was a journal for me, a place where I expressed my feelings…It just seemed more real to write to you, rather than to say, "dear journal". But I've come to the realization that I need to stop mourning your death. It's been over 4 months, and I still write to you. But I can't deal with it anymore. This is one part of my life that I'm going to need to get past.
Zac, I love you. I always have, and I always will. There's always a special place for you in my heart. I know, that sounds so cheesy, but it's true, and I don't want to lie. You and Olivia will be watching over me, I know. I'll just sit at my windowsill at night and watch the clouds pass over the moon…And hope that you're looking back at me.
Love,
Aubrey
