chapter one

I had gotten out of the house as quickly as I possibly could. I couldn't help but feel so damn guilty over dinner, and skipping dessert. I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I was afraid. I was afraid of seeming not perfect, not like the old Lilly that they used to know. I hadn't even seen them in over two years. I kept in touch with all the rest of the Hansons…Hell, Diana was practically my surrogate mother. Every time I had gone over, though, the three older boys had been gone. Isaac and Taylor had their own places, and Zac was just never home. He was always at Isaac's, or at Taylor's, and I guess they couldn't be bothered calling me.

I slammed the door to my shabby one-bedroom apartment shut, swiftly locking it behind me. My immediate reaction was to walk to the freezer for ice cream, until I realized that there was none. There was hardly any food in my kitchen at all. A few cans of vegetables, rice cakes, and saltine crackers in the pantry. A banana, ice cubes, and frozen vegetables in my freezer. My refrigerator had a few bottles of water, Diet Coke, chocolate soymilk, fat-free cheese, and enough yogurt to make a lactose intolerant person run for the hills. I grabbed some Diet Coke and a single rice cake (50 calories) and sat on the couch. My little Pomeranian, Shelby, leaped up and wagged her tail at me.

"Let me finish this and I'll take you out, sweetheart." I said to her wearily. I bit into the rice cake and ate it slowly, savoring every bite as if it would be my last. That was how I lived now.

"Do you think Lilly was acting a little weird?" Isaac asked while the three of us lounged in the basement, attempting to practice.

"Weird? No, not really. Why?" Taylor replied.

"I don't know. She just seemed really…Out of it or something." Isaac shrugged as he fiddled with the tuning knobs on his guitar.

Lilly had been acting a little strange around us lately. She hadn't leapt into my arms when she saw me. Back in the day, whenever she saw me, she would just jump onto me, latch her legs around my waist, and wrap her arms around my neck. I would twirl her around and then set her back down after a twirl or so. She never did that with Isaac and Taylor. She always thought she'd break them. I was the "bigger" one, the more "muscular" one. That's damn right. Lately, though, she looked as though even Taylor could pick her up and snap her in two if he wanted to…Which he obviously doesn't.

"Zac?"

I shook myself out of my thoughts. "Yeah? What? Sorry, I spaced out."

"Count us off?"

I mindlessly counted us off, not even knowing what we were playing. I'd figure it out when we started the song.

"She's walking around in emptiness…" Taylor began singing. Oh. 'End of the Line'. Got it.

"She's breathing in some nicotine…And when she's down, she'll drown this town in kerosene…"

"This must be the end of the line…" I joined in. Sounds a little like Lilly, if you ask me. I stopped playing. "You guys…I'm worried about her."

Isaac set his guitar down. "I know. I am, too." He looked at Taylor expectantly.

"What? So she's acting a little weird. It's not like she's going to jump off of a cliff or anything. I'm sure she's fine. She probably just had a bad day or something." He reasoned.

"I want to go talk to her." I said. "Even if it's just a bad day…It never hurts to talk." I didn't even wait for their approval, just dropped my sticks, grabbed a jacket, and left.

"Good girl, Shelby. You needed the exercise, too, I guess." I said to my dog as we walked back to my apartment after a fifteen-minute run. I always tried to do this, every night. Shelby and I would go out and run for a little while. I'd kill two birds with one stone - take my dog for a walk, and burn some excess calories. Not that there was much excess at this point, barely eating 500 calories a day. Even if I did eat more, I would just immediately vomit it up anyway, sometimes voluntarily, sometimes involuntarily. It's just something that happens.

My stomach let out an incredibly unattractive growling sound as I approached my front door. "Yeah, yeah, shut up. I'll fill you with some water when we get inside." I said to it (I was talking to my stomach, how crazy am I?).

"Talking to yourself again?"

I jumped, then realized it was just Zac. "Oh. Hey, Zac…I thought you guys were practicing."

"We were. I'm worried about you."

That's Zac for you, always jumping to the point. "What for? I'm fine. Like I told you earlier, I'm just fine. There's no reason for you to be acting like my father." I unlocked the door as I said that, leaving it open for Zac to come in, which he did.

"You don't look like you're fine. You look like Taylor could beat you up, and believe me, it's hard to look that bad." He paused for a moment. "That came out wrong. You don't look bad. Just…Exhausted."

"That's exactly what I am, Zac. Exhausted. You try working two jobs at once. You try dealing with crappy neighbors that have very loud sex in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep. You try dealing with paying your bills, that are much higher than they probably should be. I'm just exhausted, that's all." I said as I hung Shelby's leash up and released her. She immediately trotted over to Zac, whining for attention.

"You know that if you ever need any help with money-"

"Don't take pity on me, Zac. I hate pity. Just…Pet Shelby for awhile and go back home. You don't have to worry about me. I'm a grown-up now, you know. I'm older than you, for Christ's sake."

"Yeah, by about ten days." He said sarcastically. "Listen, I just miss you, okay? I miss the old days, the old Lilly." He straightened up and cleared his throat. "If you ever need something to talk about, I'm here for you. We're all here for you. You know my family loves you."

"I know." I said softly, looking down at my ugly stained beige carpet. "I'll be fine."

Maybe if I kept telling myself that, it would actually happen.

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